Slimy Angels
by Akktri
Summary: Something strange is going on at St. Andrews church.
1. Chapter 1

It was dark in the church when the bald, mole-like man with the crooked back waddled into the cramped little storage room that held the fuses. #24 was out, leaving it dark in the choir loft, so he had the replacement ready in his withered arthritic hand.  
When he swung the metal door of the fuse box open, something black jumped at him from the corner. It proved to be too much for his heart, and he slumped to the floor.  
The fuse rolled out intot he narthex.  
The morning afterwards, in the back of the property, a blue London police box faded into existence on top of a meticulously trimmed yard in between a seldom used playground and a decaying yellow school bus. The thing had made a number of weird tearing sounds, then the door swung open, and a bald black man stepped out.  
The man wore a tank top, an imitation leopard vest and stripey pants like an eighties rock band reject. A shrew-like white woman with glasses and a business suit stepped out after him, staring at the building.  
"Where are we, Doctor? Is this Earth?"  
The man waved at a garish red and yellow structure standing across the intersection. "What other planet besides Rigus 85 has a McDonalds franchise?"  
She squinted at the fire station. "I'm guessing the Thames isn't anywhere close to here, is it?"  
"No."  
She frowned at a church sign advertising vacation bible school. "What are we doing here, pray tell?"  
"I thought we'd do some volunteer work."  
The woman laughed. "You? Aside from being far too busy saving the universe from everything under the sun, and the sun itself, I never took you for the religious type. Didn't you say the bible is ridiculous and full of contradictions?"  
"My life is ridiculous and full of contradictions. The amount of times I almost died...someone's got to be looking out for me."  
She stared at him in shock. "So you're going to help."  
Without a word, the man marched up to the back door, pushing it open.  
"Doctor!" the woman called, stomping after him.  
A moment later, they were in the main office, and the man was handing the gray haired secretary at the desk something that looked like a passport.  
The secretary stared at it for a minute, then grinned at him. "This is a very impressive resume, Mr. Banks. Pastor Tom was just talking about a vacation. Maybe you can take over a couple Sundays."  
"That's...really okay, maam."  
She frowned at his outfit. "Rught, you're more of a youth minister, aren't you?"  
The Doctor shrugged. "More or less."  
"We don't have many young adults or youth right now, but we do have a few, and we'd love it if you brought in some more." She smiled at the Doctor's companion. "So what's your name?"  
"Joann. I'm his assistant."  
"Is there anything I can help you out with today?"  
She shrugged. "Your resume says you are HVAC certified. Can you fix our air conditioner?"  
Joann adjusted her collar. "You know, now what you mention it, it is kind of hot..."  
"Gladly. Show me where it is."  
Joann followed the two down a staircase, down a hallway, and into a boiler room, where the Doctor immediately set about opening panels and waving around a little rod with a glowing end about inside the machinery.  
"These copper fittings look new."  
"The old ones got stolen. We had to call the police on one of our helpers."  
"That's not very Christian," said Joann.  
"Let's just put it this way. They weren't a bit sorry for what they did. The good Lord says to forgive, but he doesn't say you have to be stupid."  
"Anything else unusual?"  
"I wouldn't say copper theft is that unusual, Mr. Banks, but we did have an elder who got sent to the hospital after he saw something in the usher's room. He said it was a dog, but that's not the strange part. What's strange is he came in with a pacemaker, and he came out not needing it."  
"Good doctors!" Joann exclaimed.  
"I have heard some very good things about the hospital down the street from here," the Doctor muttered.  
"Actually, all the doctors did was remove his pacemaker before it caused a fatal heart valve malfunction. They said for some reason he now has the heart of a teenager. Can you believe that?"  
"Did he get a transplant?"  
"Not that anyone knows about!" The secretary shook her head. "It's a miracle. That's the only thing I can think of to explain it. Martin must have someone looking out for him, that's all I know."  
"So you've got an angel."  
"A slimy angel," the Doctor muttered as he continued probing the depths of the ventilation system. "Have you heard any strange noises?"  
"Um, there has been a strange loud buzzing sound. Something wrong with the PA system, I figure. We've checked it several times, but we can't seem to find the source of the problem. Funny thing is, it only seems to happen during hymns, like...something is singing along with us."  
Surprised by the news, Doctor tried stand too suddenly, banging his head on an aluminum vent. He rubbed his bald head, his voice reflecting more excitement than injury. "At what times are your services?"


	2. Chapter 2

A short hop through time later, and the Doctor was walking up the front sidewalk of the church in a suit, with a bible tucked under his arm.  
"Where'd you get that bible from?" Joann said as she followed him to the door.  
"Interplanetary Gideon Society."  
"Seriously?"  
"No, I actually bought it. I figured it was worth holding on to, being the playbook for half of human history and all."  
They took seats in the wooden pews in the back of the chapel, taking in the service. Joann fell asleep while the Doctor spent a great deal of time nervously glancing around like the walls were alive.  
When the congregation started in on *All that dwell below the skies*, the Doctor noticed a low rumble that didn't seem right for the pipe organ. He elbowed Joann awake, gesturing for her to listen.  
"It's a nice song," she hissed, but she didn't complete her statement.  
She stared over the back of her pew. A dark shape appeared inside the air conditioner vent, then darted out of sight.  
Immediately, the Doctor jumped up from his pew, squeezing his way around a teeny little old woman bearing a remarkable resemblance to a turtle.  
"Sorry, need the WC," he muttered, and then he was out in the narthex, pointing his glowing device at the vent in the ceiling.  
Joann, sensing something amiss, followed him.  
Grabbing a stepladder from the usher's room, the Doctor climbed up to the vent, unscrewing the Philips heads with the device.  
The moment the panel came partly loose, the whole thing fell to the floor, along with dozens of black chitinous bodies the size of dogs. They flooded the hallway, swarming around the Doctor's legs, humanoid teeth grinning at him from a sightless head.  
"Oh hello! Enjoying the service?"  
Instead of replying, the army pushed their way through the sanctuary doors.  
"Wait! You can't go in there yet! They're doing prayers!"  
The creatures ignored him, and screams erupted from the congregation.  
The Doctor bolted after them, and found the pastor standing in the aisle, shouting at the things, which, oddly enough, seemed to be rather passive, and not doing much of anything but bowing their shiny heads.  
They didn't move.  
"Out! I command you to leave in the name of Jesus!"  
The creatures almost seemed disappointed, each of them crawling backwards out the door. The congregation cheered.  
Joann followed the Doctor back out, staring in amazement as the creatures just sort of huddles on the floor in big clusters, making unhappy noises.  
Clearing his throat, the Doctor marched up to them, singing the first verse of *Amazing Grace.* When he reached the part that said "a wretch like me," the creatures suddenly joined in, singing the next verse in a series of gurgling growls and hissing sounds.  
The Doctor patted one of them on the head, then knelt down in front of it. "Tell me. What is your name?"  
The thing gurgled and clicked.  
"John," he muttered in disbelief. "That's your real name."  
The thing nodded.  
"An alien named John."  
Joann's mouth dropped open.  
The Doctor shrugged. "Was it always John?"  
The creature nodded.  
"You *have* been here awhile!" He turned to another one. "Why are you here? What is it you want from these people?"  
The creature clicked.  
"Is it copper?"  
It shook its head violently.  
"What is it then? What do you want?"  
"Jee-zusss." John gurgled.  
The Doctor fell over backwards in surprise.  
"That's all you want?" Joann asked.  
The creature made an "uh-huh" sound.  
The Doctor stood up, staring at them. "No harm in that, I suppose."  
But then one of the female parishioners took this opportunity to step out of the lady's room.  
The thin, bony faced woman was coughing as she adjusted her wig, not the picture of health by any stretch of the imagination.  
As she neared the sanctuary, she let out a shriek, and the creatures jumped on her.  
"Hey!" the Doctor shouted, but it was too late. One of the creatures had latched onto her face while the others held down her thrashing limbs.  
"Doctor! Quick!" Joann yelled. "They're going to kill her! Do something!"  
The Doctor leapt into action, waving the wand device over the creature's heads, and the victim.  
"Odd," he said. "It doesn't look harmful, whatever it is they're doing."  
"Doesn't look that way to me!"  
"Let's just watch and see what happens."  
"If...you say so."  
A few moments later, they climbed off, and the woman was gasping, staring up at the ceiling, still in shock.  
"Is something going to burst from her chest?"  
The Doctor tugged on her wig, revealing a head of stubbly hair. "Her cancer, perhaps."  
"What!"  
"Mrs. Burroughs said the elder was able to live without his pacemaker after the attack. It looks like this woman has also received improved health. I can even see her hair growing in."  
He leaned over the woman. "Are you okay, miss?"  
She took several deep breaths and sat up. "My chest feels funny and I'm not coughing. I don't know."  
"What's going on out here!" the pastor demanded.  
"I believe these creatures just healed this woman."  
The pastor opened his mouth to say something, but then the Doctor added, "They also like the gospel."  
The pastor stared at him for a solid minute, then said, 'What does the creatures of darkness have to do with the things of the light?"  
"These aren't creatures of the darkness, reverend. They're aliens. From space."  
"Space aliens don't exist."  
"Are you saying that God can't create life wherever or whenever He wants?"  
The man paused. "Well, no..."  
"So...these are...His creations, and they just happen to like to hear music and sermons. Speaking of which, unlike what you told the congregation, an apple tree produces more than one apple in order to guarantee success in producing more of its species. But I'll take your metaphor about godly service in the way it was intended."  
The pastor stared at him. "Deanna was telling me about you. Are you up for filling in for me in February?"  
"I'm...sorry. I've...got other plans."  
"So back to the matter at hand..."  
One of the creatures scratched something into the tile floor.  
"What's it doing?"  
The Doctor knelt by the scratching, reading what had been carved there. "Mark 9:38-41."  
The pastor frowned. "Do not forbid him, for no one who does a mighty work in my name will be able soon after to speak evil of me. For he that is not against us is for us." He sighed. "Tell them they can sit in the pews if they behave."  
What followed was an uproar in the sanctuary, followed by an impassioned speech by the pastor about how the creatures just wanted to know Jesus, and then everyone was awkwardly sharing the peace with them.  
The Doctor grimaced as he watched the exchange, but then shrugged and shook some hands...and claws.  
The service ended, and everyone processed out of the door, shaking the pastor's hand on the way to a lounge in the back of the building.  
"C'mon," the Doctor muttered, leading Joann to the exit. "Let's go."  
"You think everything will be okay? I'm not sure they're completely sold on the idea of worshiping with cancer eating aliens yet. I know I'm not."  
The Doctor shrugged. "They're going to have a very interesting voter's meeting."


End file.
